Waiting...

I had a couple of angry days last week.  

Angry about a few things.  Angry with the Man upstairs.

It doesn't happen very often, but it happens.

Just plain mad....mad that my babies were sick, mad that they came so early, mad that they cough and wheeze, mad that they have suffered so much.  Mad that we can't catch a break.  Mad that we can't get a good night's sleep.

Hating every nebulizer treatment we  do and every medicine I give.

Wishing life was a bit different, a bit more normal.  Wishing we could go outside.  Wishing I didn't have to stress about germs, RSV and re-hospitalization.

Questioning why? Why is this happening?  What have I done? My babies are innocent.

Anger then followed by guilt.  Yes, I know...my three babies are miracles.  

I have learned of so many other families dealing with so much more.  How can I be so weak?

Am I being ungrateful?

And then, while I was catching up on some blog reading... I found this poem:

Waiting

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
The Master gently said, "Child you must wait!"

"Wait?  You say, wait!" my indignant reply,
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked and am claiming Your Word."

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign,"

"And, Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!  I need a reply!"

Then quickly, softly, I learned of my fate.
Once again my Master replied, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taut,
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed  then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."

"All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience the fullness of love,
As the peace of the Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late in the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked,
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But oh, the loss!  if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Coincidence? I doubt it.

Deep breaths, followed by inner peace once again.

Thank you Sarah for sharing your journey.  Her blog can be found here.

Have I mentioned that Sofia's wheeze is gone? GONE!! She has not been this quiet since before Christmas!! I have seen major progress in her development.  She is rolling a LOT.  She is determined to get what she wants.  She is opening her mouth for solids.  She is drinking her bottle without coughing, without taking breaks, without gagging.  She is talking a lot.  She is loud.  A good loud.  

Thank you God.

Another Monday

Our Monday is almost over and I am exhausted!  Just when I think things are looking up health wise...someone new has a fever!!
It's Isabella's turn! I am praying this is a quick 24 hour thing.  We took her to the doctor and she was swabbed for strep throat but hopefully it's just a virus.  She has been quarantined to her room! Who knows if that will make a difference but we can't have the trio get sick again.  Sofia is sounding really good, almost now wheezing whatsoever.  She has been very active these last few days. Lots of rolling, talking, exploring and observing everything.  The boys are happy babies during the day but congestion and coughing are still waking them up.  This morning there was only one baby in our room, so things are slowly getting easier.

It was a tough Monday! I had this great idea to try and change the babies' schedule to see if we can go from 3 short naps to 2 long ones.  This means more awake time and somehow one bottle gets eliminated.  Major changes!  Needless to say, it was an exhausting day.  I think my plan backfired and having Isabella home threw me off.
Oh well, we'll try again tomorrow and if they are not ready for it, we can always go back to the old routine.
Isabella got a hold of mommy's phone last week and snapped a few pics!

Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

11 month update

Happy 11 months babies! We love you so much!! Your smiles, laughter and cuddles make every sleepless night we have had so very worth it.  We are so proud of you!

What's new? Sofia is starting to sit without assistance and reach for things at the same time, tolerates tummy time very well but often is too busy looking at stuff so she does not see the need to roll even though she is capable of doing it.  She has started shaking her head and now does it back to us when we do it, Sofie, no, no, no, so very exciting!  She is very observant and reaches for everything.  It does not matter what it is or who has it, she tries really hard to get what she wants.  She has been found with sissy's stuff already, once she got a hold of Rapunzel, a doll almost as big as her, a play computer and her shoe!!! She is very aware of routine, and if something is off, she knows it. She knows when a new face is around and looks at new people with lots of uncertainty.  Definitely has stranger anxiety. She is the one who talks a lot more.  We can hear her saying ba, ba, ba, and da, da, da and overall, lots of talking.  Sofie has surprised me with her resistance to solids.  She takes a few bites but not too much.  She makes faces and sometimes gags, hoping this is because she has been sick on and off for awhile, even though I must admit I'm beginning to worry there may be some oral aversion/swallowing thing going on.
Unfortunately she has had an ear infection and early pneumonia, making her chronic wheeze even worse.  But she is a true fighter, on most days she is still smiling. Sofia weighed in at 15 lbs. 8 oz yesterday.

Marcos sat without any assistance for an entire minute this past weekend.  He loves movement and is very ticklish.  He loves to laugh and give hugs.  He is a roller and can no longer be left alone. He has bumped his head a couple of times. He continues to love food. He loves to jump in the jumparoo and is such a happy guy when he is feeling well, definitely a social butterfly.  He likes to bang stuff and make noise.  We have hear him say la, la, la and some cooing and talking.  Sometimes it sounds like he says "hi".  He has been wheezing and completed his 2nd round of oral steroids and has had a lot of difficulty sleeping at night due to being so congested.  We hope he gets past it soon.  Marcos is 15 lbs. 14 oz!!!

Carlos...he is definitely my most sensitive one.  If he doesn't like something, he will let you know.  He has a lot more work to do as far as his development with his gross motor skills.  He is still often fixated with putting things in his mouth and therefore does not explore as much as brother and sister.  But that's ok...our physical therapist says he is coming along just fine.  He loves food.  He really was the first one to "get" it and opens his mouth wide when he sees the spoon coming. His weight is 14 lbs. 7 oz.

All three have tried bananas, apples, pears, squash, carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, and avocados.  We will soon be experimenting with yogurt, mango, and green beans.

Mommy and Me Monday

 

Finally a picture with Mommy!

Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

Dealing with Chronic Lung Disease

It's been a crazy week at the Sanchez household.  Feeling again like I am drowning in sickness.  The kiddos have been coughing (nothing new) but a week ago, it started interrupting Marco's sleep again.  So there we were again, pulling out the nebulizer and doing late night/early morning treatments.  We finally made it to the doctor on Tuesday morning, and sure enough wheezing, and now his 2nd (or 3rd) round of prednisolone.  He was a little bit happier in the middle of the week but still having lots of wakings at night. He has been sleeping in the swing for part of the night and then ends up on daddy's chest or our bed.  He has also discovered how good it feels to sleep on his tummy, making me very nervous to let him do this in his own room.  He has been very congested as well and just plain mad at times, and lots of crying in his sleep.

On Thursday, we drove an hour to Oakland for Sofia's ENT appointment.  Our pediatrician and pulmonologist both agreed that it was the next step since she does not always respond to steroids and albuterol and continues to wheeze all the time.  She had a laryngoscopy done to check for upper airway blockages.  Not fun to watch at all.  She was swaddled on this board and then had a thin tube (camera) down her nose.  The whole procedure took a little over a minute but I was a nervous wreck and she hated it.  She gave everyone dirty looks afterwards.  The good thing is that everything was normal, and her chronic wheeze continues to be attributed to chronic lung disease from being born at 25 weeks and being on the ventilator for 6 weeks.  That evening I could tell her wheeze and cough were getting a little worse and sure enough on Friday morning her respiratory rate was pretty high.  She threw up the first bottle of the day.  I did albuterol every three hours, she responded in the morning and was able to keep her mid morning bottle down.  She threw up again around 1:30pm and then took a long nap.  Around four o'clock, I had to wake her.  She ate and threw up again.  At that point, I began to panic a little bit.  Her respiratory rate was in the 80's and she was not herself.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  She had a fever of 102 which ibuprofen quickly brought down but after talking to the advise nurse and the on-call pediatrician, we were advised to take her to the ER.  This is ER visit # 2 with Sofia after her admittance in January for RSV.

I stayed home with the boys and Isabella while Daddy and Sofie headed to the hospital.  She was observed for a few hours and her chest x-ray showed early stages of pneumonia.  We are so glad we took her in and caught it early.  She got a shot of steroids (again) and an antibiotic.  She was released and seen again on Saturday.  She improved a bit but still requiring albuterol, and just as her rash was beginning to heal from antibiotics a couple of weeks ago, a new rash is well underway.  The probiotics aren't helping that much and it breaks my heart to have her go through so much.

Marcos and Carlos continue to cough and I won't be surprised if we find ourselves back at the doctors office sometime before their Thursday appointment for their Synagis shot.

Not really sure how we are getting thru each day on such very little sleep, but we are.  It feels like Isabella has been eating pop tarts, pizza and fast food all week.  Somehow she has made it to school every day.  Each night, we hope for a good night, but when you have three with a chronic cough, chances are one or two, or three will be up coughing and wheezing.  We continue to pray for good health, new lung tissue and mostly strength.   I will admit that sometimes I close my eyes and ask God for at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep.  Hopefully tonight is the night, and if not...I know God will continue to watch over me when taking care of the kiddos tomorrow.

Flashback Friday~Pregnant mommy

Flashback for sure!

This is mommy with three babies in her belly last Easter, 2011.

The trio will be turning one on May 17.  We are a few days away from starting our month countdown.

Photobooth~Wordless Wednesday

Carlitos n Sofita

Pictures taken April 7, 2012

Our Easter 2012

This had to have been the most laid back Easter in our entire marriage (almost 10 years)!
As laid back as life can be with the trio.  Our Easter activities got kicked off by letting Isabella stay up a bit later on Thursday to bake some Easter cookies...ya know, the easy ones that are already cut and decorated. All she had to do was help me put them on the cookie tray. 
Then Saturday evening, after the babies were asleep we had our first glow in the dark egg hunt (light up bracelets in the plastic eggs...very cool idea thanks to daddy's friend) and we colored some eggs.  Isabella had a great time, and so did we. 

We stayed home all day on Easter Sunday.  We missed going to church but we are not ready to take the trio just yet.  We are actually wondering how and when that will actually happen.  We played with the idea of going somewhere outdoors for a nice lunch.  Tia Gina (my sister) is visiting and we thought she could handle a baby and/or Isabella if things got a little crazy but our night changed our mind quickly.

We were up a lot with Marcos, he was very congested and wheezy and needed a nebulizer treatment, Sofia's wheeze has come back in full force and Isabella coughed here and there.  So instead most of us stayed in our PJ's all day long, ordered some breakfast and had a few egg hunts throughout the day.  We watched a movie (Hop) and called it a day!  It was great but I need to shake off this guilt I have about not getting a cute picture of the kiddos all dressed up in Easter outfits holding a cute bunny.  Oh well, something to look forward to next year! Hope your Easter was great!

Flashback Friday~Marcos

Daddy found a bunch of pictures of the trio I had never seen.  They are not the best quality because they were taken with his cel phone.

We still don't know which baby is in the picture for sure, we can only guess.

I think this is Marcos and only because of the isolette next to me and the hat he is wearing.

Oh sweet baby! How far you have come!

Taken May 25, 2011

Day 9



Sofia takes a dip

Yep it happened!

Horrible diaper rash due to the antibiotic!

My poor Sofie!

Our weekend was spent airing her out and soaking her bottom.

The funny thing about this picture is the plastic yellow bin...we have about three or maybe four from our NICU stay.  When we were dipping her this weekend, we remembered this is where she used to get her baths in the NICU.  This tub was once too big for her! How far she has come!

Special Feature

 Soon after starting this blog, I began to "meet" some pretty amazing families.  I feel as if I have formed my own little on line community who provides support, encouragement and inspiration. I love reading their blogs and learning about their journeys. How else would I get through each pumping session?

One of the blogs I follow is Life As We Know it With Two Twinkies and a Tot.

Her family was chosen to be the March of Dimes 2012 Ambassador Family for her county, such a great honor! You can read all about it here.

Every Tuesday this past month (and April), this blog has been featuring families that have been affected by prematurity.  

Last week, our family was featured and you can read about it here.