Our first entry…

The first time I held one of my babies, I was scared out of my mind. Sofia was first. She was five day old. I was afraid to hurt her little body, but I did just fine. Sofia is the smallest but the strongest. At birth, she only weighed 1 lb 2.3 oz. She was the last one to be born but she was the first one I was allowed to hold. At 9 days old, the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out. It was painful to watch. I heard her whimper for the first time. I cried. I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. I felt so helpless. I was afraid she would stop breathing. It’s been over 24 hours and the tube is still out. Today, Sofia is the first one to get some of mama’s milk through a feeding tube. I also took Sofia’s temperature for the first time and changed her diaper.

Marcos was second to be held. Weighing more than his sister, 1 lb 4.8 oz. He did not handle it as well as his sister and the team of nurses had to take him off my chest and put him back in his isolette. I was sad. A few days later we tried again, and it was a bit more successful. He was the next one to be extubated. Deep down, I knew he wasn't ready but his doctors wanted to try. He struggled. I could see his little chest and stomach move up and down. It hurt to watch. During these moments, I cannot stop my thoughts. I failed my little guys. I have asked myself a million times, why? This is not the way it was supposed to be. I was so confident that this would not happen, not this early, but we must accept God's plan.

Today I held Carlos for the first time, 9 days after he was born. Carlos weighed less than his brother, 1 lb 4.1 oz. First to be born, and last to be held. It's getting a little bit easier to have a team of nurses around me disconnecting and reconnecting all the lines and tubes that are on their little bodies. Today I tried so hard to ignore the beeping noises from all the machines surrounding his brother and sister. Today, Carlos and I took our first nap together. I felt stronger.

All three babies have a large PDA. An open heart valve that usually closes during a baby's first few hours of life. All three got 2 rounds of indomethacin, a medication to help close it but it did not work. The boys' PDA is larger than Sofia's and there is a possibility of heart surgery, especially for Carlos. Today I did not cry when I found out Carlos's blood pressure continued to drop and the medication was increased. Today was a good day.