Tuesday, May 31, 2011

2 weeks ago

My babies are 2 weeks old or 27 weeks 2 days.

Sofia is doing great. She is getting a little bit of breastmilk every 3 hours now. She has not had to go back on the ventilator since she got off. Her nurses and doctors often call her a rock star.
I did not like hearing that her blood pressure dropped this morning for about three minutes and then cameback up on its own. They are watching it closely. I held her again. I hummed "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and later found out it was a little louder than what I thought. She whimpers when they take her away.

Daddy held Marcos today.

And Carlos continues to have more desats than his siblings. Funny how these medical terms are now part of our everyday vocabulary. He is still on Dopamine and steroids to lower his blood pressure. They are trying to wean him but its been a couple of days. Hopefully tomorrow we can spend some time holding him. I feel so bad, like I'm neglecting him.

All three are getting another sonogram of their heart tomorrow.
How I wish all three of their PDA's showed up completely closed...

As for me, this completes day 3 of no crying.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Our first entry…

The first time I held one of my babies, I was scared out of my mind. Sofia was first. She was five day old. I was afraid to hurt her little body, but I did just fine. Sofia is the smallest but the strongest. At birth, she only weighed 1 lb 2.3 oz. She was the last one to be born but she was the first one I was allowed to hold. At 9 days old, the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out. It was painful to watch. I heard her whimper for the first time. I cried. I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. I felt so helpless. I was afraid she would stop breathing. It’s been over 24 hours and the tube is still out. Today, Sofia is the first one to get some of mama’s milk through a feeding tube. I also took Sofia’s temperature for the first time and changed her diaper.

Marcos was second to be held. Weighing more than his sister, 1 lb 4.8 oz. He did not handle it as well as his sister and the team of nurses had to take him off my chest and put him back in his isolette. I was sad. A few days later we tried again, and it was a bit more successful. He was the next one to be extubated. Deep down, I knew he wasn't ready but his doctors wanted to try. He struggled. I could see his little chest and stomach move up and down. It hurt to watch. During these moments, I cannot stop my thoughts. I failed my little guys. I have asked myself a million times, why? This is not the way it was supposed to be. I was so confident that this would not happen, not this early, but we must accept God's plan.

Today I held Carlos for the first time, 9 days after he was born. Carlos weighed less than his brother, 1 lb 4.1 oz. First to be born, and last to be held. It's getting a little bit easier to have a team of nurses around me disconnecting and reconnecting all the lines and tubes that are on their little bodies. Today I tried so hard to ignore the beeping noises from all the machines surrounding his brother and sister. Today, Carlos and I took our first nap together. I felt stronger.

All three babies have a large PDA. An open heart valve that usually closes during a baby's first few hours of life. All three got 2 rounds of indomethacin, a medication 
to help close it but it did not work. The boys' PDA is larger than Sofia's and there is a possibility of heart surgery, especially for Carlos. Today I did not cry when I found out Carlos's blood pressure continued to drop and the medication was increased. Today was a good day.