Friday, February 24, 2012

Flashback Friday-The Golden Gate Bridge

This past Wednesday, we headed to San Francisco once again...this time with the trio, the strollers, and a huge diaper bag that included six bottles, breast milk, formula, diapers and extra clothes.  The babies had their first follow up appointment with the NICU clinic.  More to come on the actual appointment later...
But below are some not so great pics of the Golden Gate Bridge that I took on that day. 

 As I grabbed my phone and started snapping away I realized how far I have come.  When we first moved to the North Bay, driving on that bridge was pretty exciting.  We just couldn't believe that this well known monument was less than an hour away from us.  With our pregnancy, everything changed.  Our trips to the city were no longer fun.  They were nerve wracking, intense, full of anticipation and often fear.

Then the babies were born, and leaving our three one pound babies behind in a medically fragile condition in a city that was 30 miles away from our house was the hardest thing we have ever done.  And so the commuting began.  The first three weeks, we did it together.  The hubby took time off since I couldn't drive because of the c-section.  Then, on most days, I did the trip solo.  I remember the first time I drove myself to the hospital.  I still felt like a zombie going on adrenaline. It was no longer exciting.  Yes, I was getting closer to my babies; but, those first few weeks, even couple of months I would have no idea what I would be walking into.  In the NICU, a lot can change in a matter of seconds, and there was usually about a 3 hour window from my 6 am phone call and my 9am arrival.  Being so far away from the babies resulted in a lot of anger towards this bridge.   I could not appreciate the beauty, the sunshine or much of anything.  How could I while I had three fragile and tiny babies with a tube down their throat fighting for every breath? I was in my own world. Somehow my anger brought me closer to God.  Not sure at what point in the 102 days of traveling back and forth, I decided to pray each time I crossed the bridge.  I prayed for the health of our babies, strength, patience, wisdom but most importantly I asked God to help me accept his Will, his Plan, to help me accept whatever our future may hold.   And once I did, the anger started to subdue.  So the fact that I was reaching for the camera and taking some pics brought me some sort of relief even a sense of peace.  Nine months later, I can breathe a little easier.  I'm starting to move forward and deal with lots of feelings that had to be avoided.  I was in survival mode, and survival mode for me resulted in numbness.  So many days, I felt so cold, I felt like I should feel more, I should cry more, I was somewhat detached; but I got through it.

I was feeling pretty good that morning.  I was a bit nervous about the appointment but overall calm.  Feeling pretty accomplished for getting out of the house by 8am! Then I saw the bridge and I was happy to be able to appreciate it.  And then when we pulled in to the hospital's parking garage everything changed... I think I had a mini panic attack! Just out of nowhere, I found myself where I was nine months ago. Will the flashbacks ever stop?

1 comment:

  1. I think your experience was completely normal.  I don't know if the flashbacks will ever stop completely.  But I would think they would just start to diminish over time.  The micro-preemie NICU experience is one that will be with us forever. We are changed; different people now. It's obviously something we will never forget - but maybe at some point, we will be more at peace with it?