It's been almost 14 months of pumping. When they were born, it was every 2 hours during the day, every 3 at night. During the first 2 weeks, not once did I miss a pumping session. I was one dedicated mama. After that, I started sleeping through the alarm but during the day, I was a pumping queen. One of the nice things about the NICU is having a super supportive staff. Nurses that reminded me it was time, nurses that brought me food and snacks, no way could I have done this without them. It's getting tougher and tougher with three mobile kiddos. Yes, they are all over the place. So this week I made the decision to only pump twice a day. Lots of mixed emotions, I know its coming to an end soon...Around their birthday in May, I went down to three times a day. I can no longer keep up with that, big sis and mostly the house and the laundry. It will be a bitter sweet moment when that pump is put away. Part of me will be doing cartwheels for sure. My goal is their due date...August 28, 2012.
The trio is still on breast milk and formula. I tried to make their foods with whole milk and it resulted in lots of spit up. We are trying again in August. Only about six more weeks until the anticipated due date. I'll have to start thinking of how we will celebrate the big due date (adjusted birthday) and those homecoming dates! A little late...but hope you Friday the 13th was great.
Last Thursday, turned out to be a happy and joyous day. Sofia is crawling!! Now I know all micro preemie mamas can share my excitement! Watching them meet these milestones is truly amazing! Every day is a miracle but when your baby spends almost 100 days in the hospital, it's hard not to let those negative thoughts in...those scary what if's?
But she is crawling!!!! At 13 months and a few days! Not bad, not bad at all. Her physical therapist will be so happy.
Here she is. Keep in mind this is right before bed time, she is trying to get the baby wipes.
I know her brothers are right behind her.
And then...well, I don't even want to think about what our days will be like.
Such a great and blessed day.
It didn't start off so positive. As a matter of fact, I almost gave myself an anxiety attack. Big Sis had her scheduled swim class and I had no help lined up. I usually have someone stay with the babies so I can take her or have someone take her for me. Well, things didn't work out yesterday which meant 1) She would miss her class or 2) I take all of them. Of course I went for number 2. I seriously was panicking. The attention that we sometimes get in our big triplet stroller is a bit much. I pictured myself maneuvering the stroller, moving lawn chairs and tables and having to hold doors open by myself. The more I thought about it the more I worried. What if Big Sis had to go to the bathroom? Not really able to run her in and out with the trio. I was certain the stroller would fit through the double doors but definitely not thru the bathroom door. Then there was the issue of their 3:30 bottle. Class is at 3:30 as well... Do I feed before we go? Or an hour later? Or do it on the go? Luckily I called one of Big Sister's babysitter's to come with us and she was available. RELIEF! Our outing was a success. Only Carlos took the early bottle. Sofia threw it at me. And Marcos had no interest. Our babysitter, I., was so helpful, holding doors, moving chairs and tables and unloading babies. I was even able to take some video of big sis learning to swim. Isabella was able to go in the hot tub and the babies happily sat in their stroller. Marcos and Sofie took their bottle at 3:45, they are my schedule babies for sure! We could have done without the wind. Marcos's eyes get very teary outside, and yesterday Carlos also had some tears. They both seemed a bit uncomfortable. This reminds me...we had an eye appointment on Monday. Everything went well. Their eyes are looking good after having had laser surgery due to ROP. All are farsighted, which is how babies should be at their age. I shared with the doctor my concern about Marcos's eye always tearing outside. He suggested I massage Marcos's tear ducts. There is a possibility that they are clogged and if this does not resolve itself then it is another procedure for my little guy. AAAAGGGGGHHHH! Not what I wanted to hear, especially when massaging the corner of his eye is not going so well. He fights it each time.
But for now here are some pics!
The trio watching sissy swim
Marcos...have been trying to get a pic of his teeth all week!
Oh lil blog how I miss you.
Life has been keeping us busy.
I am down to pumping three times a day and usually while the babies are awake meaning very little computer time.
A recap of our week....our week got off to a great start...
On Monday, FOUR NICU nurses came for a visit while I went and got an hour massage! I was in heaven and so grateful of their time and love for the trio.
I even got a cup of coffee all by myself, this meant, I actually sat down and enjoyed SILENCE. Tuesday, Carlos had his hearing test which showed fluid in one ear. Since this is the first time it has shown this, his pedi is requesting another test in a month or two hoping it resolves itself. It also looks like the doctors would like to move forward with tubes for Marcos and I'm hoping the ENT doctor and I stop playing phone tag this week. Carlitos also got his blood drawn and I hated every minute of it. I am not looking forward to taking the other two. I put it off as much as I could.
Our doctor has been asking since before our 9 month check up. This is the real thing. I had to hold my little Carlos on my lap. I was so nervous. Of course I had to ask if the tech person had experience drawing blood on little guys. "I am from the hospital. I do this all the time." I warned him that my little kiddo had very little veins. Not happy to say that he did NOT seem to know what he was doing. Carlos screamed the whole time. I had to hold his little arms. He needed to get 2 other techs to help. They seemed so surprised at his strength. I should have warned them. They had to use both arms and then they say, "Not sure we got enough blood but we'll send it off and let you know if we need more." Umm, no thank you!!
Wednesday, the babies and I ventured out and did some walking at the outlets. We met another mom there who also has triplets. It's so nice to have a friend nearby who gets the craziness we go through!
Thursday-our home visitors from the early learning institute continue to be impressed with the trios progress. They walked in to find Sofia sitting unassisted. Her and Marcos are lasting a long time, and I couldn't be more proud. Carlos is also progressing.
Isabella had a dentist appointment that afternoon. The trio stayed behind while we took care of business and did some speedy Target shopping. We were ecstatic to know she (again) has no cavities!!! Yay, Daddy!!! We were a bit shocked to be honest. In between caring for the trio and many sleepless nights, teeth brushing is the last thing on our minds. I was also happy to talk to our dentist about the babies' teeth. She seemed very knowledgeable on preemie teeth and all the problems they can have. Our plan is to take them in as soon as the first tooth comes in.
Friday was physical therapy morning. I love the individual sessions they each get but I do have to adjust one or 2 of the babies' schedule resulting in a little bit more work. But I know it is so worth it. We also had a very nice visit from a mom I recently met who is expecting three little ones. We are so excited to have so many triplets near us and praying that she has a very long pregnancy.
And here we are today, Saturday...usual baby stuff. We were successfully able to go down to four bottles a day, three solid meals and two naps. Babies are still coughing, and Sofia's wheezing is back. I was so bummed but praying that we will outgrow this soon. She went 10 days symptom free. We are spending about 2 1/2 hours per day doing nebulizer treatments of albuterol and pulmacort. Not fun but I've become to accept this as part of our daily routine. We have an even busier week ahead of us, lots to do for the party. Yes, we are a week away from the big birthday bash. Not really sure what I was thinking and when and how things will get done, but we are celebrating the crazy year we have had. We are so excited. Emotional days for sure. A year ago today, I was hospitalized for preterm labor. Lots of painless contractions. Medicines and steroids for the babies' lungs...Thanking God for the five additional days the babies had in mommy's belly.
Since the babies are turning one this month, there are many appointments to take them to.
Last week, Marcos went to see an audiologist for his fourth, maybe fifth hearing test.
It didn't go as I had hoped.
He still has fluid in his ears, now they are saying in both ears.
Marcos's right ear failed his newborn hearing screening back in August 2011.
It's now May and the problem has not resolved itself. Back in the Fall, he also had an ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test done which measures the hearing nerve's responses to sounds. Luckily it did not show permanent hearing loss. He has temporary hearing loss that will eventually resolve
itself. They've been talking about tubes since day one but for some
reason doctors wanted to give him more time. Feeling kinda bummed but only because as I was leaving the appointment. I innocently asked, "...but he can hear me, right?" And the answer was..."not really. He hears something but it sounds more like noise to him." I didn't let it get to me that day but it's been on the back of my mind. She suggested we talk a little bit louder to him and make sure he has good eye contact when we are talking to him. Now that his first birthday is around the corner, we are being sent to the ENT doctor once again. He will make the call. It's really so hard to believe that he can't hear us that well. The audiologist noticed that he is very visual, and that sometimes that makes up for it. Our pediatrician is having me pay close attention to the sounds he is making because now they are worried about language and speech development. I don't know if this happens to other moms of multiples, but its so hard for me to remember who is doing what unless it's really obvious. We are hearing a lot of ...da da da and ah ah ah and some g sounds and paying close attention.
Praying this resolves itself soon so we can avoid tubes, a pretty common procedure but I wouldn't mind skipping it.
There is so much that I want to write about but never enough time. Many thoughts on my mind these days. May 1. The countdown begins. Party or no party? After going back and forth, yes, no, we are going for it. They deserve it. We deserve it and so does Big Sis. A celebration of the miracles we have. 16 more days and the triplets will turn one. Not sure what the next few days will make me feel like.
Flashbacks.
During the month of April last year, we moved homes. We needed a house with more space for our growing family. April was the month to do it. It took us an entire month. Little by little. We thought this would be enough time to get settled in before the babies came. We thought the babies would be born late June at the earliest. I was worried about making it to Bella's dance recital. How could I go being almost 32 weeks pregnant with triplets? There had to be a way. There was no way I would miss it.
Did I do too much? Did I not take care of myself? Why didn't our doctor believe in bed rest? I was careful. At least I try to believe. No, I know I was, but still. A small part of me still thinks...what if...what if I didn't rest enough? Would I have been able to carry the babies a few more weeks? I followed doctors orders not to pick anything up over 10 lbs. I couldn't pick up my Bella. Going to the grocery cart was hilarious. Bella would climb into the cart with a little push and then jump off. A couple of times I asked strangers to help. Never had I allowed someone to push my cart and help me with groceries. I was so pregnant. I may not have looked it according to everyone else but I sure felt like it.
About this time last year, I was measuring at 32 weeks but was only about 22 weeks pregnant. I had discussed my history with my doctors. A few times I reminded them of my bed rest with Bella. It started at 32 weeks. They assured me that since I was able to carry her until 39 weeks I should be fine. Really? I know...doctors cannot predict the future but come on. If I couldn't carry one baby without bed rest, how could I carry three? I was terrified of bed rest but only because of Isabella. How would I take care of her? After each visit with the doctors (and there were plenty) I always felt so relieved. Another week without bed rest. I would have jumped at it now. I would have begged for it if it would have given them just a few more days.
I could keep going but must get to bed...I should already be asleep!
Cute Sofie pic taken today. Awww so sweet and innocent. My baby girl reminds me so much of Big Sister. Don't let that smile fool you...today Sofia got out of her bumbo seat. Thankfully she was in one of the playpens with lots of padding surrounding her. She is rolling a lot, across the room in seconds, taking toys away from the boys, shaking her head, and starting to clap! All of it deserves a celebration! Let the countdown begin!
Angry about a few things. Angry with the Man upstairs.
It doesn't happen very often, but it happens.
Just plain mad....mad that my babies were sick, mad that they came so early, mad that they cough and wheeze, mad that they have suffered so much. Mad that we can't catch a break. Mad that we can't get a good night's sleep.
Hating every nebulizer treatment we do and every medicine I give.
Wishing life was a bit different, a bit more normal. Wishing we could go outside. Wishing I didn't have to stress about germs, RSV and re-hospitalization.
Questioning why? Why is this happening? What have I done? My babies are innocent.
Anger then followed by guilt. Yes, I know...my three babies are miracles.
I have learned of so many other families dealing with so much more. How can I be so weak?
Am I being ungrateful?
And then, while I was catching up on some blog reading... I found this poem:
Waiting
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried. Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied. I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate, The Master gently said, "Child you must wait!"
"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply, "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is Your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked and am claiming Your Word."
"My future and all to which I can relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign,"
"And, Lord, You promised that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"
Then quickly, softly, I learned of my fate. Once again my Master replied, "You must wait." So I slumped in my chair defeated and taut, And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine, And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun, I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."
"All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint; You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."
"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there; You'd not know the joy of resting in Me, When darkness and silence were all you could see."
"You'd never experience the fullness of love, As the peace of the Spirit descends like a dove; You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start), But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."
"The glow of my comfort late in the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight, The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked, Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.' Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true, But oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!"
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see, That the greatest of gifts is to get to know ME. And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."
Coincidence? I doubt it.
Deep breaths, followed by inner peace once again.
Thank you Sarah for sharing your journey. Her blog can be found here.
Have I mentioned that Sofia's wheeze is gone? GONE!! She has not been this quiet since before Christmas!! I have seen major progress in her development. She is rolling a LOT. She is determined to get what she wants. She is opening her mouth for solids. She is drinking her bottle without coughing, without taking breaks, without gagging. She is talking a lot. She is loud. A good loud.
It's been a crazy week at the Sanchez household. Feeling again like I am drowning in sickness. The kiddos have been coughing (nothing new) but a week ago, it started interrupting Marco's sleep again. So there we were again, pulling out the nebulizer and doing late night/early morning treatments. We finally made it to the doctor on Tuesday morning, and sure enough wheezing, and now his 2nd (or 3rd) round of prednisolone. He was a little bit happier in the middle of the week but still having lots of wakings at night. He has been sleeping in the swing for part of the night and then ends up on daddy's chest or our bed. He has also discovered how good it feels to sleep on his tummy, making me very nervous to let him do this in his own room. He has been very congested as well and just plain mad at times, and lots of crying in his sleep.
On Thursday, we drove an hour to Oakland for Sofia's ENT appointment. Our pediatrician and pulmonologist both agreed that it was the next step since she does not always respond to steroids and albuterol and continues to wheeze all the time. She had a laryngoscopy done to check for upper airway blockages. Not fun to watch at all. She was swaddled on this board and then had a thin tube (camera) down her nose. The whole procedure took a little over a minute but I was a nervous wreck and she hated it. She gave everyone dirty looks afterwards. The good thing is that everything was normal, and her chronic wheeze continues to be attributed to chronic lung disease from being born at 25 weeks and being on the ventilator for 6 weeks. That evening I could tell her wheeze and cough were getting a little worse and sure enough on Friday morning her respiratory rate was pretty high. She threw up the first bottle of the day. I did albuterol every three hours, she responded in the morning and was able to keep her mid morning bottle down. She threw up again around 1:30pm and then took a long nap. Around four o'clock, I had to wake her. She ate and threw up again. At that point, I began to panic a little bit. Her respiratory rate was in the 80's and she was not herself. All she wanted to do was sleep. She had a fever of 102 which ibuprofen quickly brought down but after talking to the advise nurse and the on-call pediatrician, we were advised to take her to the ER. This is ER visit # 2 with Sofia after her admittance in January for RSV.
I stayed home with the boys and Isabella while Daddy and Sofie headed to the hospital. She was observed for a few hours and her chest x-ray showed early stages of pneumonia. We are so glad we took her in and caught it early. She got a shot of steroids (again) and an antibiotic. She was released and seen again on Saturday. She improved a bit but still requiring albuterol, and just as her rash was beginning to heal from antibiotics a couple of weeks ago, a new rash is well underway. The probiotics aren't helping that much and it breaks my heart to have her go through so much.
Marcos and Carlos continue to cough and I won't be surprised if we find ourselves back at the doctors office sometime before their Thursday appointment for their Synagis shot.
Not really sure how we are getting thru each day on such very little sleep, but we are. It feels like Isabella has been eating pop tarts, pizza and fast food all week. Somehow she has made it to school every day. Each night, we hope for a good night, but when you have three with a chronic cough, chances are one or two, or three will be up coughing and wheezing. We continue to pray for good health, new lung tissue and mostly strength. I will admit that sometimes I close my eyes and ask God for at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep. Hopefully tonight is the night, and if not...I know God will continue to watch over me when taking care of the kiddos tomorrow.
Soon after starting this blog, I began to "meet" some pretty amazing families. I feel as if I have formed my own little on line community who provides support, encouragement and inspiration. I love reading their blogs and learning about their journeys. How else would I get through each pumping session?
The first time I held one of my babies, I was scared out of my mind. Sofia was first. She was five day old. I was afraid to hurt her little body, but I did just fine. Sofia is the smallest but the strongest. At birth, she only weighed 1 lb 2.3 oz. She was the last one to be born but she was the first one I was allowed to hold. At 9 days old, the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out. It was painful to watch. I heard her whimper for the first time. I cried. I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. I felt so helpless. I was afraid she would stop breathing. It’s been over 24 hours and the tube is still out. Today, Sofia is the first one to get some of mama’s milk through a feeding tube. I also took Sofia’s temperature for the first time and changed her diaper.
Marcos was second to be held. Weighing more than his sister, 1 lb 4.8 oz. He did not handle it as well as his sister and the team of nurses had to take him off my chest and put him back in his isolette. I was sad. A few days later we tried again, and it was a bit more successful. He was the next one to be extubated. Deep down, I knew he wasn't ready but his doctors wanted to try. He struggled. I could see his little chest and stomach move up and down. It hurt to watch. During these moments, I cannot stop my thoughts. I failed my little guys. I have asked myself a million times, why? This is not the way it was supposed to be. I was so confident that this would not happen, not this early, but we must accept God's plan.
Today I held Carlos for the first time, 9 days after he was born. Carlos weighed less than his brother, 1 lb 4.1 oz. First to be born, and last to be held. It's getting a little bit easier to have a team of nurses around me disconnecting and reconnecting all the lines and tubes that are on their little bodies. Today I tried so hard to ignore the beeping noises from all the machines surrounding his brother and sister. Today, Carlos and I took our first nap together. I felt stronger.
All three babies have a large PDA. An open heart valve that usually closes during a baby's first few hours of life. All three got 2 rounds of indomethacin, a medication to help close it but it did not work. The boys' PDA is larger than Sofia's and there is a possibility of heart surgery, especially for Carlos. Today I did not cry when I found out Carlos's blood pressure continued to drop and the medication was increased. Today was a good day.
