Flasback Friday~Birthday edition

We had a great day yesterday! I must have sang happy birthday a million times.  I think I spent all day taking pictures and video! Hopefully soon I can upload.  

It has been an emotional week...but in a good way. I thought I would have a harder time on their first birthday but I am feeling at peace with everything we have gone through. I have shed a few tears, especially when I look at this.  But a lot of times, they are happy tears.  Tears of joy, especially when I take a few seconds and just stare at my babies. They are so big and so long. They once fit on my chest, in between my breasts. They were so tiny and now when their heads are on my shoulders, their cute little feet touch my lap!

 

At times I am speechless, in complete amazement of how far they have come. 

I've been asking big sis if she remembers the day they were born and when she first saw them. Her responses include "They were tiny, their heads were as big as my fist, they were slimy and shiny but they were cute..."

I also asked my mom if she remembered what she thought when my water broke.  Luckily my parents were visiting from AZ.  When we left for the hospital around midnight my mom was also hopeful.  She thought I would stay in the hospital for sure but no one really thought that they would come so early.  When she got the call about my emergency C-section she tells me that her and my dad got on their knees and prayed.  

It was good that they were born while they were here...I don't even want to picture what we would have done if we would have been alone.  Can you imagine Isabella coming with us or me taking an ambulance by myself! Yikes. 

Here is Grandma meeting Carlitos for the first time

And now lots to do for our birthday party on Sunday!

This past week

Oh lil blog how I miss you.
Life has been keeping us busy.
I am down to pumping three times a day and usually while the babies are awake meaning very little computer time. 

A recap of our week....our week got off to a great start...

On Monday, FOUR NICU nurses came for a visit while I went and got an hour massage! I was in heaven and so grateful of their time and love for the trio. I even got a cup of coffee all by myself, this meant, I actually sat down and enjoyed SILENCE.  Tuesday, Carlos had his hearing test which showed fluid in one ear. Since this is the first time it has shown this, his pedi is requesting another test in a month or two hoping it resolves itself. It also looks like the doctors would like to move forward with tubes for Marcos and I'm hoping the ENT doctor and I stop playing phone tag this week. Carlitos also got his blood drawn and I hated every minute of it. I am not looking forward to taking the other two. I put it off as much as I could. Our doctor has been asking since before our 9 month check up.  This is the real thing.  I had to hold my little Carlos on my lap.  I was so nervous.  Of course I had to ask if the tech person had experience drawing blood on little guys.  "I am from the hospital.  I do this all the time."  I warned him that my little kiddo had very little veins.  Not happy to say that he did NOT seem to know what he was doing.  Carlos screamed the whole time.  I had to hold his little arms.  He needed to get 2 other techs to help.   They seemed so surprised at his strength.  I should have warned them.  They had to use both arms and then they say, "Not sure we got enough blood but we'll send it off and let you know if we need more."  Umm, no thank you!!
Wednesday, the babies and I ventured out and did some walking at the outlets. We met another mom there who also has triplets. It's so nice to have a friend nearby who gets the craziness we go through! Thursday-our home visitors from the early learning institute continue to be impressed with the trios progress. They walked in to find Sofia sitting unassisted. Her and Marcos are lasting a long time, and I couldn't be more proud. Carlos is also progressing. Isabella  had a dentist appointment that afternoon. The trio stayed behind while we took care of business and did some speedy Target shopping.  We were ecstatic to know she (again) has no cavities!!! Yay, Daddy!!!  We were a bit shocked to be honest.  In between caring for the trio and many sleepless nights, teeth brushing is the last thing on our minds.  I was also happy to talk to our dentist about the babies' teeth.  She seemed very knowledgeable on preemie teeth and all the problems they can have.  Our plan is to take them in as soon as the first tooth comes in.
Friday was physical therapy morning.  I love the individual sessions they each get but I do have to adjust one or 2 of the babies' schedule resulting in a little bit more work.  But I know it is so worth it.   We also had a very nice visit from a mom I recently met who is expecting three little ones.  We are so excited to have so many triplets near us and praying that she has a very long pregnancy.

And here we are today, Saturday...usual baby stuff.  We were successfully able to go down to four bottles a day, three solid meals and two naps.  Babies are still coughing, and Sofia's wheezing is back.  I was so bummed but praying that we will outgrow this soon.  She went 10 days symptom free.  We are spending about 2 1/2 hours per day doing nebulizer treatments of albuterol and pulmacort.  Not fun but I've become to accept this as part of our daily routine.  We have an even busier week ahead of us, lots to do for the party.  Yes, we are a week away from the big birthday bash.  Not really sure what I was thinking and when and how things will get done, but we are celebrating the crazy year we have had.  We are so excited.  Emotional days for sure.  A year ago today, I was hospitalized for preterm labor. Lots of painless contractions.  Medicines and steroids for the babies' lungs...Thanking God for the five additional days the babies had in mommy's belly.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

Waiting...

I had a couple of angry days last week.  

Angry about a few things.  Angry with the Man upstairs.

It doesn't happen very often, but it happens.

Just plain mad....mad that my babies were sick, mad that they came so early, mad that they cough and wheeze, mad that they have suffered so much.  Mad that we can't catch a break.  Mad that we can't get a good night's sleep.

Hating every nebulizer treatment we  do and every medicine I give.

Wishing life was a bit different, a bit more normal.  Wishing we could go outside.  Wishing I didn't have to stress about germs, RSV and re-hospitalization.

Questioning why? Why is this happening?  What have I done? My babies are innocent.

Anger then followed by guilt.  Yes, I know...my three babies are miracles.  

I have learned of so many other families dealing with so much more.  How can I be so weak?

Am I being ungrateful?

And then, while I was catching up on some blog reading... I found this poem:

Waiting

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
The Master gently said, "Child you must wait!"

"Wait?  You say, wait!" my indignant reply,
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked and am claiming Your Word."

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign,"

"And, Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!  I need a reply!"

Then quickly, softly, I learned of my fate.
Once again my Master replied, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taut,
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed  then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."

"All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience the fullness of love,
As the peace of the Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late in the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked,
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But oh, the loss!  if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Coincidence? I doubt it.

Deep breaths, followed by inner peace once again.

Thank you Sarah for sharing your journey.  Her blog can be found here.

Have I mentioned that Sofia's wheeze is gone? GONE!! She has not been this quiet since before Christmas!! I have seen major progress in her development.  She is rolling a LOT.  She is determined to get what she wants.  She is opening her mouth for solids.  She is drinking her bottle without coughing, without taking breaks, without gagging.  She is talking a lot.  She is loud.  A good loud.  

Thank you God.

Dealing with Chronic Lung Disease

It's been a crazy week at the Sanchez household.  Feeling again like I am drowning in sickness.  The kiddos have been coughing (nothing new) but a week ago, it started interrupting Marco's sleep again.  So there we were again, pulling out the nebulizer and doing late night/early morning treatments.  We finally made it to the doctor on Tuesday morning, and sure enough wheezing, and now his 2nd (or 3rd) round of prednisolone.  He was a little bit happier in the middle of the week but still having lots of wakings at night. He has been sleeping in the swing for part of the night and then ends up on daddy's chest or our bed.  He has also discovered how good it feels to sleep on his tummy, making me very nervous to let him do this in his own room.  He has been very congested as well and just plain mad at times, and lots of crying in his sleep.

On Thursday, we drove an hour to Oakland for Sofia's ENT appointment.  Our pediatrician and pulmonologist both agreed that it was the next step since she does not always respond to steroids and albuterol and continues to wheeze all the time.  She had a laryngoscopy done to check for upper airway blockages.  Not fun to watch at all.  She was swaddled on this board and then had a thin tube (camera) down her nose.  The whole procedure took a little over a minute but I was a nervous wreck and she hated it.  She gave everyone dirty looks afterwards.  The good thing is that everything was normal, and her chronic wheeze continues to be attributed to chronic lung disease from being born at 25 weeks and being on the ventilator for 6 weeks.  That evening I could tell her wheeze and cough were getting a little worse and sure enough on Friday morning her respiratory rate was pretty high.  She threw up the first bottle of the day.  I did albuterol every three hours, she responded in the morning and was able to keep her mid morning bottle down.  She threw up again around 1:30pm and then took a long nap.  Around four o'clock, I had to wake her.  She ate and threw up again.  At that point, I began to panic a little bit.  Her respiratory rate was in the 80's and she was not herself.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  She had a fever of 102 which ibuprofen quickly brought down but after talking to the advise nurse and the on-call pediatrician, we were advised to take her to the ER.  This is ER visit # 2 with Sofia after her admittance in January for RSV.

I stayed home with the boys and Isabella while Daddy and Sofie headed to the hospital.  She was observed for a few hours and her chest x-ray showed early stages of pneumonia.  We are so glad we took her in and caught it early.  She got a shot of steroids (again) and an antibiotic.  She was released and seen again on Saturday.  She improved a bit but still requiring albuterol, and just as her rash was beginning to heal from antibiotics a couple of weeks ago, a new rash is well underway.  The probiotics aren't helping that much and it breaks my heart to have her go through so much.

Marcos and Carlos continue to cough and I won't be surprised if we find ourselves back at the doctors office sometime before their Thursday appointment for their Synagis shot.

Not really sure how we are getting thru each day on such very little sleep, but we are.  It feels like Isabella has been eating pop tarts, pizza and fast food all week.  Somehow she has made it to school every day.  Each night, we hope for a good night, but when you have three with a chronic cough, chances are one or two, or three will be up coughing and wheezing.  We continue to pray for good health, new lung tissue and mostly strength.   I will admit that sometimes I close my eyes and ask God for at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep.  Hopefully tonight is the night, and if not...I know God will continue to watch over me when taking care of the kiddos tomorrow.

Flashback Friday-The Golden Gate Bridge

This past Wednesday, we headed to San Francisco once again...this time with the trio, the strollers, and a huge diaper bag that included six bottles, breast milk, formula, diapers and extra clothes.  The babies had their first follow up appointment with the NICU clinic.  More to come on the actual appointment later...
But below are some not so great pics of the Golden Gate Bridge that I took on that day. 

 As I grabbed my phone and started snapping away I realized how far I have come.  When we first moved to the North Bay, driving on that bridge was pretty exciting.  We just couldn't believe that this well known monument was less than an hour away from us.  With our pregnancy, everything changed.  Our trips to the city were no longer fun.  They were nerve wracking, intense, full of anticipation and often fear.

Then the babies were born, and leaving our three one pound babies behind in a medically fragile condition in a city that was 30 miles away from our house was the hardest thing we have ever done.  And so the commuting began.  The first three weeks, we did it together.  The hubby took time off since I couldn't drive because of the c-section.  Then, on most days, I did the trip solo.  I remember the first time I drove myself to the hospital.  I still felt like a zombie going on adrenaline. It was no longer exciting.  Yes, I was getting closer to my babies; but, those first few weeks, even couple of months I would have no idea what I would be walking into.  In the NICU, a lot can change in a matter of seconds, and there was usually about a 3 hour window from my 6 am phone call and my 9am arrival.  Being so far away from the babies resulted in a lot of anger towards this bridge.   I could not appreciate the beauty, the sunshine or much of anything.  How could I while I had three fragile and tiny babies with a tube down their throat fighting for every breath? I was in my own world. Somehow my anger brought me closer to God.  Not sure at what point in the 102 days of traveling back and forth, I decided to pray each time I crossed the bridge.  I prayed for the health of our babies, strength, patience, wisdom but most importantly I asked God to help me accept his Will, his Plan, to help me accept whatever our future may hold.   And once I did, the anger started to subdue.  So the fact that I was reaching for the camera and taking some pics brought me some sort of relief even a sense of peace.  Nine months later, I can breathe a little easier.  I'm starting to move forward and deal with lots of feelings that had to be avoided.  I was in survival mode, and survival mode for me resulted in numbness.  So many days, I felt so cold, I felt like I should feel more, I should cry more, I was somewhat detached; but I got through it.

I was feeling pretty good that morning.  I was a bit nervous about the appointment but overall calm.  Feeling pretty accomplished for getting out of the house by 8am! Then I saw the bridge and I was happy to be able to appreciate it.  And then when we pulled in to the hospital's parking garage everything changed... I think I had a mini panic attack! Just out of nowhere, I found myself where I was nine months ago. Will the flashbacks ever stop?

One year ago...

Today is December 27, 2011.  

A year ago today, we found out we were pregnant.  

I will never forget that day.  We were both so happy.  We could not believe that pregnancy test. 

Of course, I took like 3 or 4.  Each one of them quickly showed a positive test.  I remember not wanting to get my hopes up in case I went to the doctor and was told otherwise.  As if the morning sickness I started feeling 24 hours a day was not enough confirmation for me...

How crazy life is.  A year later, I'm blogging and pumping for my 3 little angels in the next room.  Sometimes we still cannot believe it.  My husband and I look at each other and still say "Three babies".  How did this happen? 

Ironically, today my husband found a business card.  A business card for the fertility doctor we started to see before Big Sis was conceived.  The doctor who told us we had a 4% chance of conceiving on our own.  The doctor who was about to start Clomid but was sure IVF was our only hope.  The doctor we never saw again once Big Sis was conceived.

God is truly amazing. Who would have ever thought we would have four kiddos?  A few months ago, while the trio was in the NICU, my mind was always foggy.  Not once could I see the future.  Not once could I see ahead.  I had to live minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.  In the beginning, there were days I questioned my faith.  I had my angry moments.  I didn't understand why my babies had to be born so early.  Why they had to suffer and go through so much.  But as time went by, I accepted the fact that I was not in charge.  God had a plan for us.  I began praying for strength to get through whatever God had chosen for us.  This brought me some sense of peace.  I knew God was with us.  Having the triplets born at 25 weeks gestation was hard.  It's been a long and an exhausting emotional journey.  But God truly is amazing.  

Raising triplets and a five year old is hard.  Super hard.  I have my good days and my bad days.  On those bad days, the only thing I can do is pray.  Pray for patience and strength and be thankful for the blessings God has given us.  He picked us for a reason.  

Today, I can finally think of the future.  I can see our kids growing up together surrounded by love.

Our first entry…

The first time I held one of my babies, I was scared out of my mind. Sofia was first. She was five day old. I was afraid to hurt her little body, but I did just fine. Sofia is the smallest but the strongest. At birth, she only weighed 1 lb 2.3 oz. She was the last one to be born but she was the first one I was allowed to hold. At 9 days old, the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out. It was painful to watch. I heard her whimper for the first time. I cried. I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. I felt so helpless. I was afraid she would stop breathing. It’s been over 24 hours and the tube is still out. Today, Sofia is the first one to get some of mama’s milk through a feeding tube. I also took Sofia’s temperature for the first time and changed her diaper.

Marcos was second to be held. Weighing more than his sister, 1 lb 4.8 oz. He did not handle it as well as his sister and the team of nurses had to take him off my chest and put him back in his isolette. I was sad. A few days later we tried again, and it was a bit more successful. He was the next one to be extubated. Deep down, I knew he wasn't ready but his doctors wanted to try. He struggled. I could see his little chest and stomach move up and down. It hurt to watch. During these moments, I cannot stop my thoughts. I failed my little guys. I have asked myself a million times, why? This is not the way it was supposed to be. I was so confident that this would not happen, not this early, but we must accept God's plan.

Today I held Carlos for the first time, 9 days after he was born. Carlos weighed less than his brother, 1 lb 4.1 oz. First to be born, and last to be held. It's getting a little bit easier to have a team of nurses around me disconnecting and reconnecting all the lines and tubes that are on their little bodies. Today I tried so hard to ignore the beeping noises from all the machines surrounding his brother and sister. Today, Carlos and I took our first nap together. I felt stronger.

All three babies have a large PDA. An open heart valve that usually closes during a baby's first few hours of life. All three got 2 rounds of indomethacin, a medication to help close it but it did not work. The boys' PDA is larger than Sofia's and there is a possibility of heart surgery, especially for Carlos. Today I did not cry when I found out Carlos's blood pressure continued to drop and the medication was increased. Today was a good day.